


Monty Python's Flying Fellowship

by LeastExpected_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Het, Humor, Incest, Interspecies, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-04
Updated: 2002-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:34:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26284270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist
Summary: By Lady Alyssa and Random Flatmate.An answer to the Python dialogue challenge.
Relationships: Frodo Baggins/Sam Gamgee, Gimli (Son of Glóin)/Legolas Greenleaf, Merry Brandybuck/Pippin Took
Kudos: 3
Collections: Least Expected





	Monty Python's Flying Fellowship

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Least Expected](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected), which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Least Expected collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile).
> 
> Warnings: Het Content  
>  Rating: R (Naughty overtones and Naughty Language)  
>  Disclaimer: Disclaimers: JRR Tolkien owns the characters; Monty Python owns most of the words except for the line from ?Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?. English language probably belongs to Geoffrey Chaucer, but then again you have to take into account not only the Anglo-Saxon words used here, but of course the Norman French linguistic influence, not to mention the?  
>  Galdriel: Get on with it!  
>  Tom Bombadil: Yes, get on with it!  
>  Army of Darkness: Get on with it!  
>  Authors: Oh, we are enjoying these disclaimers!  
>  Sauron: GET ON WITH IT!  
>  Authors: * sigh * OK.  
>  Feedback: Spare some feedback for an ex-leper?  
>  Reviews: please, please, we beg of thee!  
>  Story Notes: Monty Python Challenge; only about 3 sentences are not Python quotes and one of them is from 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert'.

[Scene: Frodo waking up in Rivendell (in huge bed), Gandalf sitting next to him in chair] 

Frodo: Can't I have just a little peril? 

Gandalf: No, It's unhealthy. 

[Enter Sam, obviously delighted to see Frodo.] 

Frodo: I'm not quite dead. 

Sam: My nipples explode with delight! 

Frodo: Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them! 

Sam: First the spanking, then the oral sex! 

Gandalf: [tries to hit Sam over the head with staff] Stop that! It's silly! 

[Enter Elrond,] 

Elrond: Greetings Ringbearer. 

Gandalf: [looks meaningfully at Frodo and Sam] He's not the ringbearer, he's just a very naughty boy! Frodo: That's as maybe, it's still a frog. [Scene: Merry and Pippin in Rivendell.] 

Random elf: And the hobbits did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu... [pan over to hobbits in question] 

Pippin: Well, I mean, you've, er...You've done it...I mean like you know...You've...Er...You've slept...With a lady. Merry: No. Can I call you "sugar plum"? Pippin: No you may not!  
Merry: Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy? Pippin: I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear. I'd scratch your eyes out, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Merry: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected. Pippin: Bet you're gay! 

Merry: No I'm not. 

Random Elf: Can I interest you in a waffer thin mint? 

Merry: Fuck off. 

Random Elf: But it's only waffer thin... 

[Scene: Arrival of deputations at Rivendell] 

Legolas: And what is the name of this ravishing creature? Wait, don't tell me - it's something to do with moonlight - it goes with his eyes. It's soft and gentle, warm and yielding and yet deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened, like a tiny white rabbit. 

Gimli: It's Gimli son of Gloin. 

[Scene: Merry and Pippin's rooms] 

Merry: Are there any women here? 

Arwen: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. 

Pippin: [suggestively] The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big. 

Merry: Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut her head off! 

[exit Arwen, pursued by a bear] 

Pippin: She's buggered off. 

Merry: Back to your bed! At once! [Merry mutters something] Pippin: [shocked] .. discipline?... naked? ... With a melon!? [Scene: The Council of Elrond] 

Bilbo: [gets up to tell the story of the finding of the ring] Ringy, ringy, ringy, ring...and it went wherever I did go. 

Elrond: Isildur should have destroyed the ring then, but he loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the docks where the men dressed as ladies. Isildur was a gentleman. And what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator. 

Frodo: And now for someone completely different. 

[Aragorn stands up] 

Legolas: He must be a king! 

Boromir: Why? 

Legolas: Because he hasn't got shit all over him. 

Boromir: I didn't expect Aragorn, son of Arathorn. 

Aragorn: Nobody expects Aragorn son of Arathorn! My weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, fear, surprise and a broken sword... 

Elrond: [interrupts] You shall take the ring to Mount Doom, where death awaits you all with nasty sharp pointy teeth 

Legolas: Just what this country needs. A cock, in a frock, on a rock. 

[scene: Aragorn explains the rules of the fellowship] 

Aragorn: Rule one: no pooftahs. Rules two: no member of the fellowship is to maltreat the hobbits if there's anyone watching. Rule three: No pooftahs. Rule four: I don't want to catch anyone not drinking after lights out. Rule five: No pooftahs. Rule six: there is no rule six. Rule seven: no pooftahs.


End file.
